How to live with a Vanilla Partner

*Disclaimer: The views and perspective contained are those of a single individual and do not necessarily represent every individual and every facet of the topic being discussed.  Nor do the views, comments and opinions given here, represent the opinions of oxy-shop.com.

What is vanilla sex? 

Our friends at urbandictionary.com do a pretty good job at defining it.

“A description of what a culture regards as standard or conventional sexual practice. Often, it is interpreted as sex which does not involve elements such as, BDSM, kink, or fetish activities. Usually defined as boring, plain sex.”

What happens when a kinkster into BDSM and various fetish finds himself (or herself) married to a spouse who prefers Vanilla sex?  This is what I am going to talk about. I have been with my spouse for over 16 years now and married 6 of those years.  And when he started dating me, he had no idea what he was in for. 

As a Kinkster, how to live with a Vanilla spouse? 

On and off for most of those 16 years I kept my submissive side pretty low key and undercover, even from myself it seems. The kinky side reared its head pretty often but then it tried to do so in the confines of the deceptions I created around it…i.e. I pretended to be a kinky top Dom. Then something happened. I can't say for sure what it was, though I suspect it had to do with my exploration of chastity. My submissive side came roaring out and suddenly my husband found himself with a very different man on his hands. Fortunately, there really isn't much that phases him. He listened and tried to understand but wasn't always successful. What he was successful at was supporting me and my experimentation of this new and unusual world. During that time of experimentation, he watched me step back and forth into the various roles and experiment with different kink and fetish activities. All the while not quite getting it but offering whatever support he could and that I needed. And when we finally arrive at today, my submissive side is solidifying itself and I am adopting many characteristics of a submissive and in many cases an all-out faggot (see my previous article about the word fag.) And at no time has his support and attempt to understand lessened.

That brings me to the main point of this article: What is needed for a relationship to succeed under these circumstances.  I can only speak for myself and my relationship, but I like to think that what I have learned is applicable to most others. 

OPENMINDEDNESS

Delving into the kink/fetish community requires that we keep an open mind and understand that, what is for us may not be for everyone else and vice versa. The same goes with our partners. They need to have an open mind. They are likely to encounter aspects of us they hadn't counted on and need to be ready to see new things. If you're new to BDSM, here is all you need to know about BDSM to get started.

HONESTY & OPENNESS

This is huge.  If you think you can hide this from your significant other, think again.  As your desire to be submissive or even engage in some of the various kinks gets stronger, you won’t be able to hide.  It is best to be up front and have the conversation with him or her early on. This could save a great deal of grief and anger later.

SUPPORT

This was touched on earlier in this writing.  Support is key.  If you truly love each other and want to see each other happy, the support will come (most of the time).  As the kinkster, be ready to answer questions and to volunteer information.  You partner may not ask at first but know that he or she is curious and will absorb everything you share.  And remember, it is not only his or her support of you that is needed but you will need to offer equal support to your partner(s).  He or she will need reassurance about many things, not the least of which is your love and commitment.  Remember, this probably isn’t what he or she signed up for. There will need to be time given for transitions.

WILLINGNESS TO REDEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP

This is one of the most important element and there is people who disagree on this one. As the kinkster, to fully enjoy and embrace this lifestyle, a relationship evaluation is necessary.  What I am talking about is the subject of an open relationship.  The two of you don’t enjoy all the same things sexually and you both need sexual satisfaction (or at least most couples do).  You won’t get that if you aren’t allowed to have the encounters you want and need.  The same will go for your partner.  If you start to get into kinky sex, you may find it hard embracing a Dominant or submissive role while your partner(s) does not. You both need to fulfill those sexual urges and if it isn’t with each other, it needs to be with someone else. If you don’t, you may begin to resent each other and that can only lead to irreconcilable differences that will end the relationship.  And again, many may disagree with me on this but if you or your partner aren’t willing to consider an open relationship, you may want to consider hanging up your kink hat. But if you can, then the adventures that await are going to be amazing.  For both of you.  Just keep one thing in mind with open relationships.  Communication is key.  Talk about guidelines and boundaries.  Talk about dos and don’ts.  Talk about whatever is necessary to make it work for you but talking is the key. Trying to play this on the DL (down low) is going to fail in the end (see the part about honesty and openness). And above all else, make sure you provide time for each other.  This is a key element in any open relationship. 

The two of you ended up together for a reason. You decided to build a life together and while your other half may be learning new things about you, it is highly likely (in my opinion) that most of it won't come as a huge shocker. Give yourselves time. Be ready to communicate and if necessary, redefine some things. If you're looking to explore new aspects of your relationship, you might be interested in understanding gay pegging or exploring primal play in BDSM.